My child is strong willed!

Dear Deb

My child is strong willed! How do I get from conflict to cooperation?
Signed,
Frustrated in Waterloo Region

Dear Frustrated in Waterloo Region,

Parenting can be frustrating…it is true. Conflict is normal with our children. There are many factors that can make conflict worse and some strategies that can make life a lot easier. One of the main factors to remember is that the bridge from conflict to cooperation is YOU. You have the power to move to cooperation when things are not going well whether it is rough morning, meal times or bedtime issues. Your self control can often determine whether a situation will escalate to ‘out of control’ or subside and calm down.

Most effective Strategies

1.Your own stress management- take a deep breath, remove yourself from the situation if possible, positive self-talk (saying to yourself “I’m in control, I can do this”),
2.Allow for extra time- Most conflict arise because we are rushed. Our children do not feel heard or respected and show this in their anger. Allow for extra time in the mornings to get ready or at bedtime so you can anticipate and are prepared for the conflicts.
3.Use ONE word- Most children just need a one word reminder, for example  ‘coat’, versus a lecture on… ‘we are running late, I need  you to get your coat on…why does this happen every morning, you weren’t listening yesterday either….!’ Keep in simple and be clear.
4.Watch your tone of voice- Our tone and body language speaks much louder than our words. When you are being clear and to the point, be aware of how your tone may be giving a different message (an angry message) than the message you want to convey (firm and calm).
5. Have fun- if we know that bedtimes are an issue where conflict often arises, how can you use humour or fun to break the tension? What is your child interested in? What do they enjoy? How can we use this to motivate (not punish them)? If your child is interested in hockey, you may consider using hockey language, like a hockey announcer, to transition to bedtime…’there are only 5 minutes left in the third period and the team is down by one goal, all the toys need to be in the toy box and books on the shelves with only 5minutes to go? Can they do it? Tommy shoots… he scores and the crowd goes wild!’ Be part of the fun and let your child lead the way into the bedtime routines.

Least effective strategies

1.Threats and bribes-many parents argue these strategies work. Sometimes, in the short term, we may need to resort to them. However, if we want to teach our children the life time skills of ‘self discipline’ and positive decision making, we need to invest now in the strategies that will lead to cooperation which are not based on getting something (a bribe) for good behaviour. We want them to cooperate because they know it is a helpful and appropriate choice.
2. Punishment- when we parent out of anger and let our negative emotions (screaming, yelling, crying) dictate the punishment (no television, grounded for a month, etc), we are not being respectful ,realistic or related. Punishment creates fear in our children and does not foster the relationship we all want to have with our children…the relationship that promotes cooperation!

For more information on moving from conflict to cooperation join our fall groups.

Hope to see you then. Happy Parenting,
Deb